Quotes by Subject: Humor
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How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size? | |||
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. | |||
To err is human, but it feels divine. | |||
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone. | |||
When I finished school, I took one of those career aptitude tests, and based on my verbal ability score, they suggested I become a mime. | |||
You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh. | |||
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. | |||
Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings. | |||
You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything -- even poverty -- you can survive it. | |||
If you can't be a good example then you'll just have to be a terrible warning. | * | ||
I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. | |||
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. | |||
And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, A truck! | |||
Why are our days numbered and no, say, lettered? | |||
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. | |||
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me. | |||
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. | |||
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. | |||
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. | * | ||
In America any boy may become President and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes. | |||
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'. | |||
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are three billion to one. | |||
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principle difference between a dog and a man. | |||
I can resist anything but temptation. | |||
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. | |||
Never make forecasts, especially about the future. | |||
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark. | |||
I don't know whether the world is full of smart men bluffing or imbeciles who mean it. | |||
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard. | * | ||
We're not lost. We're locationally challenged. | |||
If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going. | |||
Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. | |||
I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist. | |||
There is never enough time, unless you're serving it. | |||
I prefer the wicked rather than the foolish. The wicked sometimes rest. | |||
Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. | |||
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. | |||
I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it. | |||
Advertising is the art of convincing people to pay money they don't have for something they don't need. | |||
We don't know where the digital revolution is taking us, only that when we get there we will not have enough RAM. | |||
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. | |||
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and great big bag of money. | |||
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. | |||
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. | |||
I don't want any yes-man around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs. | * | ||
These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make. | |||
There are 350 varieties of shark, not counting loan and pool. | |||
I think their should be something in science called the reindeer effect. I don't know what it would be, but I think it would be good to hear someone say, Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect. | |||
I think you're the opposite of a paranoid. I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you. | |||
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. | |||
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. | |||
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first is hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. | |||
Old age ain't no place for sissies. | |||
Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. | |||
Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money. | |||
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch. | |||
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. | |||
The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit. | * | ||
Never forget me, because if I thought you would, I'd never leave. | |||
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies. | |||
Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of habit. | |||
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you are still a rat. | |||
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. | * | ||
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. | |||
Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long. | |||
Never try to teach a cat to sing. It wastes your time, and it annoys the cat. | * | ||
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests... Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday. | |||
Do you know it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator. | |||
Can you believe how many awards shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast forwarded through the whole thing. | |||
I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation | |||
The power of accurate observation is called cynicism by those who have not got it. | * | ||
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. | |||
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with a lot of pleasure. | |||
A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you. | |||
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. | |||
The basis of optimism is sheer terror. | |||
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in. | |||
He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike. | |||
It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much. | |||
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies. | * | ||
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. | * | ||
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. | * | ||
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. | |||
I am not one of those who in expressing opinions confine themselves to facts. | |||
Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk. | * | ||
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke in the world. | |||
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. | |||
If you leave the smallest corner of your head vacant for a moment, other people's opinions will rush in from all quarters. | |||
Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that! | * | ||
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! | * | ||
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure? | |||
Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers. | * | ||
If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. | |||
Where facts are few, experts are many. | |||
Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge. | |||
No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. | |||
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. | |||
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. | |||
When a true genius appears in the world you may know him by this sign; that all the dunces are in confederacy against him. | * | ||
When you are eight years old, nothing is any of your business. | |||
Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. | * | ||
The only difference between saints and sinners is that every saint has a past while every sinner has a future. | * | ||
I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early. | * | ||
Tradegy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die. | * | ||
Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. | |||
The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one. | |||
Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up. | |||
It's only when the tide goes out that you learn who's been swimming naked. | * | ||
I don't want to shave! I want to be a hero! | * | ||
I'm a four bit character in an eight bit world. | |||
*indicates a past Quote of The Week
